God doesn’t love me.
Everyone around me is healthy and happy and I can’t seem to make things work out.
God doesn’t love me.
I’m not good enough to be in the popular crowd.
God doesn’t love me.
I can’t feel his love.
God doesn’t love me.
I’ve failed at being really good at anything, especially at being a good person.
God couldn’t love me.
I spent too many hours in my early twenties in the back of our chapel alone. Crying. Angry. Lonely.
Months before my twenty-first birthday, a day surgery on my left foot had extended into a two-week hospital stay. I woke up from simple ambulatory surgery dizzy, unable to speak, remember words, use my hands, or walk. My mother knew the signs immediately, though it took a week to confirm through tests. I’d had a stroke.
The 1984 Winter Olympics flashed across the television screen above me as I lay quietly in my bed trying to take it all in. As the graceful Katarina Witt skated across the ice while my heavy body remained pinned to my bed, I thought, “I will never be able to do that” (not that I could ever ice skate!) The beauty, smoothness and grace of the ice skater’s movements was a sad reminder that I could no longer stand on my own without the nurses’ assistance. The sisters came to help feed me. I tried to practice praying the Our Father but could never reach the end of the prayer.
Within two weeks I was sent home on a walker for a year of recovery.
I prayed to God, “You gave me this stroke, it must be for a good reason. Your will be done.” I pasted on a smile as I relearned how to use a fork, how to stand up, how to bathe myself.
There was a beauty to those days, a childlike wonder. Everything was new to me. But the effort was exhausting. Once the novelty wore off and the grudging work of recovery set in, the fear began to surface “what if God does this to me again,” and the anger, “why me?”
One day I sat in the middle of our chapel, surrounded by sisters praying, and the words came out of my heart, breaking it with each syllable, “I. Hate. You.” They startled me. Shocked and even scandalized me. Here I had been in the convent for six years and… this was all I was capable of when it came to suffering.
No holiness.
No saintliness.
No heroism.
Just anger. For weeks and months I underwent the pressure of the divine hands compressing my heart, puncturing it with his fingers, and breaking it apart, into pieces… at last… before him… in need of him…. Blessedly in need of him….
I had to admit that the twenty-one-year-old who could do anything she put her mind to was now a needy child, at the beginning finally of the mountain of the spiritual life, ready to start the journey, ashamed and yet relieved that the truth was out there.
I was nothing.
I was not a great saint.
I wasn’t even as good a Christian as others.
I was in need of him.
If at some point in your life you find you’re disappointed in yourself, feeling that God couldn’t love you, wouldn’t care, that you’re worthless goods—know that you are at the beginning. Allow the pressure of God’s fingers to hold you, to break open the outer shell you’ve built up to survive in this world, and to expose the raw childlike innocence of your inner spirit that’s so in need of him.
For anywhere God finds need, he gives himself, he takes over and gives himself completely. God can’t not give himself.
So give up the idea of perfection.
Stop striving and dreaming of what should be, what could be.
Immerse yourself where God has shown himself to be, right where you are. Right now, as you are.
Accept the raw sense of sinfulness and the astounding gift of God’s glorious kindness.
